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It’s In NY #9

Secrets behind the Front Door
It’s fun to look at the front door of houses and apartments as you drive in your car on a crisp, clear winter night, lights reflecting off the snow covered lawns. You critique the colorful and gaudy displays and admire big screens in the living rooms as you imagine what life is like for the people who live in these houses. But, what you often don’t see are the secrets.

Secret spurts of violence from behind the front door are the number one killer of pregnant women, and the number one cause of injury to women, according to the Rockland County Family Shelter website. If you are not convinced, call your local police station and ask them how many domestic violence calls they get a night. Women are fighting for their lives everyday. But why do families keep it a secret?

Mrs. Margaret Torre, mother of L.A. Dodger’s manager Joe Torre, kept her abuse a secret. “Everything was a secret” Joe Torre said, his tone shifting from pleasant to serious. The former NY Yankee Manager and his wife Ali founded Margaret’s Place.

Many people don’t want to reveal family secrets. But these secrets do not go away; they are inherited like eye color. This is not just a cause for Joe Torre, it is a mission. Margaret’s place helps children deal with stress of domestic violence. There are several centers in New York City’s public schools and in Westchester, and Union, N.J. A list of centers is on http://www.JoeTorre.Org.

In the serene suburbs, Rockland District Attorney Michael Borningrnio emphasized at the Nyack Library African-American Author Symposium on Domestic Violence and Child Abuse in September that domestic violence can affect anyone. Astonishingly, children as young as 10 had questions on what to do when someone they know is a victim-indicating that children are witnessing violence in the home at an alarming rate. The victim usually keeps it a secret, domestic violence is the biggest crime in America.

Ones initial reaction is to threaten the abuser with violence; this never works. Confronting the abuser just adds fuel to the inferno once the front door is closed. Talk to the victim first.

N.Y. Yankee captain Derek Jeter told me the most important thing he has learned from Joe Torre’s Safe at Home Foundation , “The great thing that you get from Mr. T’s foundation is the awareness; I think a lot of people aren’t aware of this [problem]. There are a lot of people that don’t know where to go, they don’t know what direction they need to be pointed to, and you can learn a lot from it. It’s an unfortunate situation, but its something that we have to deal with, and the more people that are educated, the better off they’ll be.”

“There is a lot of ignorance about domestic violence” David Adams, licensed psychologist and author of “Why Do They Kill: Men Who Murder their intimate partners ( http://www.emergedv.com) explained to me by phone after leading a group session in Massachusetts. Mr. Adams has counseled abusers for over 30 years. “Sometimes families defend the abuser” he says, “thinking the problem is on the other person.” He noted that in certain cases the family defends the abuser, because they are still keeping the abusers’ father violent history a secret.

Mr. Torre reiterates Mr. Jeter’s and Mr. Adams philosophy of awareness. “I think it’s very important to raise the awareness and not have this horrible, horrible problem be locked away. To me the biggest deterrent to domestic violence is education…don’t have these people protected by the cloak of silence. We gear our efforts towards middle school [to] feel free to talk about it understand [they’re] not alone. There was a lot of whispering going on, and I felt that this was about me.”

NBC’s “Law and Order: SVU” Capt. Donald Cragen played by Dan Florek feels the show helps America talk about Domestic Violence. “Law and Order: SVU” often receives letters from help groups and victims after airing a domestic violence episode praising them for portraying this problem.

Forgiving an abuser who has torn apart a family can be difficult, but not impossible. Mr. Torre has been able to forgive, but only after years of suppressing painful memories. “Well, you know, unfortunately my dad died like 36 years ago, and I never really had an opportunity to talk about the issue. I remember it was very uncomfortable for my mom when she knew I went out and had dinner with him. Because I always felt that [this] was my father, I should do this. I knew he had to leave the house, and I knew that there were reasons because he was a bully and he made everybody uncomfortable. I blocked it out for myself. I never really thought about it. And it really wasn’t about 13 years ago that all of a sudden I was able to start connecting the dots. Sure, I wish he was here now. On the other hand, if my mom was still here, I doubt if she would allow me to do this.”

Victims and witnesses are traumatized every day by domestic violence. Don’t close your eyes and ignore the arguing, the thumps, or the bruises, call the police, or even offer a safe haven. If you are a victim or know a victim, talk about it, and report it before it’s too late. Silence about domestic violence can lead to the ultimate silence; death.

Where to get help?
-NYC Domestic Violence Officer- Every Precinct has one.
-How the Police Can Help: Link to NYC Police Department Flier
-Rockland County Family Shelter
-Westchester Violence Abusers
-Visit http://www.emergedv.com for more help.

http://www.ItsInNY.com with Stephanie Taylor
E: stephanie@itsinny.com
P:(845)353-1954

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Nyack, NY 10960

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By Stephanie Taylor on 12/19/2007[read on] [4 comments]

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